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Outside change makes no inside change!

"There is no more chemistry.” Therefore, I seek out new relationship to revive the flame.


Misinterpreting internal and external factors.


People thought the world was flat because it appeared so to their senses. Similarly, people often think that others can make them happy or sad, but just because it seems obvious does not mean it's true.


Experiencing the decline of excitement in a relationship is usually preventable, yet it still brings pain. We often attribute the loss of feelings to external factors, like the other person, and claim, "The spark is gone, and I can't do anything about It.” or: "There is no more chemistry.” Therefore, we seek out new relationships to revive the flame. However, it is not long before we find ourselves in a similar situation, feeling as if we are strangers to our once-loved ones. Divorce rates are increasing as people misinterpret petty annoyances and boredom as insurmountable differences.

Look to Larry King or Elizabeth Taylor as examples. Both of them experienced eight marriages each.


A successful entrepreneur and father of three confide that he is considering divorce. He explains that he and his wife have tried various things, but there is no longer any chemistry between them. He reveals that they also tried swinging and it resulted in him feeling afraid of losing control and his wife becoming jealous of one of the side partners. He explains that his wife can no longer make him happy and that is why he will divorce. Further exploring the issue, I learned that what he really wanted was a sudden sexual experience with his wife, but now it has gotten out of hand. He was looking for a way to add excitement to his life after feeling bored. He did this in an attempt to regain the state of being in love, where everything was new and he even wrote a poem for his wife, something he had never done before. Now, he is searching for that state again, thinking it will make him happy once more. He says, "I'm feeling down."


The phrase "I'm feeling down" reveals our recognition of emotions as a ladder, with "down" indicating negative feelings. To overcome these emotions, we may turn to activities like brewing tea or practicing deep breathing, or relying on optimistic friends to lift our spirits. In love, we might express joy and excitement, likening it to being "high as a kite." When negative emotions dominate, we may describe ourselves as "down," making it difficult to feel cheerful.


Understanding and controlling our emotions is a skill that can be learned. Our natural state is happiness and it is only our negative beliefs that bring us down. Climbing the emotional ladder, like playing a musical instrument, requires practice. Once we have mastered it, we can have greater control over our relationships and emotions. The driving force behind this is internal willpower. When we lose connection with this power, our energy decreases and we may find ourselves feeling down. However, recognizing this and having the ability to notice it is a crucial step in regaining control. The existence of this emotional ladder is unknown to many, who still believe that external factors determine their happiness.


Tragedy occurs when people confuse the external stimulus with their own power to rise above it. "Rise above it" is a common phrase used to describe the feeling of overcoming a challenge or problem. Many people can relate to the experience of rising above something that is causing them distress.


People often look to external factors, like their relationships, financial stability, life situation, and children's behavior, to transform their lives. However, external changes do not bring internal changes, and everything remains the same.


The inner self is the true kingdom of the authentic self.


According to Colin Wilson, a brilliant and profound philosopher, we tend to lose energy due to a lack of self-integration, causing an unstable ego or uncontrollable emotions. Psychologist Roberto Assagioli, the founder of psychosynthesis, stressed the importance of integrating our multiple personalities and using the will in a constructive manner. Assagioli referred to the will as having a regulating role and balancing the energies of a person without suppression. Psychologist Abraham Maslow referred to individuals who strive for self-integration as "self-actualizers," working towards a harmonious unity.


The driving force behind the desire to integrate our various selves is the aim of achieving the "superordinate unity" or the "transpersonal self." This is what Wilson referred to in his book "Super Consciousness" and what Assagioli called "psychosynthesis." Maslow's "peak experiences" are the result of the unification of the self, leading to an enhanced focus on all intellectual, emotional, and physical energies. In other words, they represent an efficient synthesis of all aspects of the self.


Wilson argues that the driving force behind the desire to unify our multiple selves is meaning. He believes that there is a natural inclination within the human psyche towards meaning, as demonstrated in his "ladder-of-selves" theory. According to Wilson, during moments of intensity, excitement, or creativity, we move up the ladder, experiencing a sudden awareness that the previously perceived meaninglessness was an illusion. He explains that we can then tell ourselves our own story, grasp it as a reality, and see ourselves as a complete object in a mirror. As we ascend the ladder, our being becomes more tightly integrated, freeing us from fluctuating moods and allowing us to become the directors of our own existence.


A positive self-image is key in helping individuals climb the "ladder of selves," according to Wilson. The virtual sense of self allows one to grasp their own story as a reality and experience themselves as a whole unit rather than a collection of conflicting impulses. However, it is important that this story aligns with a potential reality that reflects their best qualities, as a total disconnection from reality can lead to disintegration and a loss of self. Assagioli emphasizes the importance of education in actualizing latent possibilities from the unconscious and activating dormant energies, particularly in the superconscious. The self-image should similarly "draw out" these possibilities for optimal integration.


As Nietzsche says, "The great man is the play-actor of his own ideals," and these ideals must be genuine and in line with one's implicit possibilities.


Wilson stated that as individuals rise up the ladder of self-awareness, their understanding deepens and the experience becomes more invigorating. However, lower down the ladder, there is a greater risk of becoming robotic and losing touch with one's true self, a state referred to as "sleep." To avoid this, constant self-awareness and self-discipline are necessary. Life offers both humbling challenges and joyous moments but can also lead to a state of hypnosis caused by unconscious forces if not kept in check.

Climbing the ladder of self-awareness is a form of creation, as it involves bringing together different aspects of reality into a cohesive whole.


Wilson contrasts inauthenticity and authenticity as follows: "Inauthenticity is feeling pointless and dependent on circumstances, without a sense of purpose. Authenticity, on the other hand, is driven by a sense of purpose, which is only possible if we reject the idea that our sense of contingency is accurate and acknowledge the existence of a set of values outside of our everyday consciousness."


At this stage, it becomes evident that a degree of faith is required, which raises the issue of religion. However, Wilson explains that pessimism, like any other state, is a deliberate act, and the "act of faith" is simply another way of focusing on one's intentionality. According to him, we can make a stronger effort from a foundation of values with purpose. Without this factor, everything would be limited by its predetermined pattern.


We can ask a question about both climbing a mountain and consciousness invading matter: why bother when it would be easier not to? The question is why not simply exist in a state beyond matter, such as a Platonic timeless realm? A potential answer can be that the force behind evolution does not want us to remain stagnant, but instead pushes us out of a cosmic comfort zone and into the challenging realm of left-brain consciousness, where we can better realize our potential.


Misunderstandings, like the belief that the world is flat, are often based on appearances. People thought the world was flat because it appeared so to their senses. Similarly, people often think that others can make them happy or sad, but just because it seems obvious does not mean it is true.

Believing the world is flat kept people from exploring and kept them at home, fearful of falling off the edge. Similarly, thinking that others hold the key to our happiness keeps us restricted and afraid to reach out.

However, this fear is just a superstition based on negative feelings. You do not have to be held back by this way of thinking. You can expand your world and have a lot of fun. Embrace a more open and positive perspective.


The husband and father are now considering divorce more carefully, making sure that any decision he makes is based on true inner feelings rather than false beliefs about happiness being external. He has decided to work his way up the ladder before making any final decisions.


Well-being is what will float you up the ladder.




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Great explanation of the dichotomy between internal and external factors Claudiu!

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